Aff's

xx

2012-01-08T12:32:00.000+08:00

a whole month without meeting him takes quite sometime to getting used to. a whole month of restricted phone calls takes a while to adapt to. it's only the fifth day that you left and everything starts feeling like crap.

i thought of writing about the joy and bull about being with you, but after that short phone call, i couldn't be the least bothered. ugh.

2011

2012-01-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been sometime that I actually took the time to sit in front of my macbook and stare at this blank box for about few minutes to start figuring out what I should write or rather blog about. Seeing that i've been too busy with the school and whatnots. Maybe I should sum up my 2011? maybe I should. So, lets begin(i may or may not miss anything out, so mind me.

January: I've finally exposed myself to the working world and I swear finding a job is

no easy task, waiting by the phone for calls and constantly cheking the mail for any replies for the next interview and after a few attempts of that and more, I had finally got myself a job as an admin assistant. Okay, the job is dull and I have nothing much to do, but the people I've befriended there are the best and such a joy to be with. Oh, and not forgetting the great and splendid time I had with the classmates from Yuhua over a two day chalet at loyang(if im not mistaken) although, I only stayed for a while, it was fun to be able to meet and have a little party before the results. And the results was a blow in my face, though I have expected that to happen. So, let's just skip all the boring details of little heartbreaks and the usual work that I had to do.

February-March: Nothing really exciting happened here, I was working 6 days a week, almost 9hours a day keying in the same bullshit, walking in and out of the warehouse to look for missing items, slacking at the isolated place behind the office and of course, David. Where should I start? Dated for a bit and he left me a few months later for his on and off girlfriend of ten years. It was fucked that I had to go through that, but I was pretty much content with the money that's been rolling into my bank to even weep over that.

April: The only recollection I have of that month was * drum rolls * SCHOOL. The first day of school, not only was I a wee bit late, but I was also lost looking for the lecture theater. Got in and took a quick look of the new classmates or schoolmates that I was going to have. Like many first days of school I had, I try to play it cool and not try to talk to anyone and keep myself reserved. Everything was foreign, afterall it was a rather huge transition from being in secondary school and straight to taking my diploma. The classmates that I am blessed with are the best anyone could ever ask for. With our disgustingly crude jokes, the silly/odd antics everyone does and the daily dose of laughter, the idea of going to school has never been a chore.

May-July : I am mostly busy with the presentations, assignements, exams and looking forward to moving to the second and last semester of my certification. Aside from all that, I dont think I had anything going on for me. But celebrating my 18^th birthday. I won't really go into detail, but those who were there, thank you for making it worthwhile. Maybe somewhere between May-September I was working odd jobs, here and there. Doing surveys around town for three to four hours with Charlene, waitressing for less than an hour with Sharmila and such.

And also Sentosa with the classmates and the countless impulsive lucnh dates we had.

September: I know I skipped a month, but im not too much of a fan of the fasting month, so yes if you really want to know, all I did was sleep in and wake up when it was time to eat. Celebrated Mubarak with the family and friends, though I wasn't in the festive mood and it wasn't as festive as it was when I was much younger cus i'm deprived of getting the green packets at a few houses that I visited. Also supporting our classmate Nic, for her New Paper, New Face competition.

And of course, knowing the boy; Shabri or rather, my boyfriend. And bidding goodbye to one of the closest classmate I had, wee.

October-December: The past two months came by in a whirl for me to even remember what I did. Juggling school, friends and also the boy.

I'd have to say that despite the many setbacks I had in 2011, i've got the best people around me to compensate that.

2012, come at me- even if I didn't have one of the “perfect start”.

2011-09-18T22:29:00.003+08:00

im becoming what i promised myself never to be
i will not let my insecurity take over me
and destroy all that i love
suck it up and appreciate what i have
some things don’t happen everyday in life

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

i'll be a better person tomorrow

2011-08-29T02:08:00.000+08:00

it's almost impossible for me to sum all that im going through and feeling right now into few sentences. i havent been writing for a long time now, due school and also the few distractions i have; like the tv, interet and mobile. or i can just blame on my low intelectual feed.

the one thing that i fear most is being average, or rather mediocre. everyone wants to stand out, or at least almost everyone i know claims to be unique or an individual. ever felt like what you're doing seems extraordinary and beyond the norm. yeah, well that. has never happened to me. maybe everyone hasn't. no one wants to be mediocre. but at 18, i've come to realise that being extraordinary is no longer an inbread thing but rather something you consiously make effort to be? "everyone is born special" is bullshit. but let’s face it: society, it’s just a huge amalgam of rules we grow up learning, rebelling and revolve our lives around, and eventually, people cross that point in their lives and realize, “That’s it.” They’ve dissolved into a whiskey of mediocrity, and once you’re in it, it doesn’t feel that bad any more. At least everyone else is mediocre. It’s like swimming in a pool packed with other swimmers, but you remain contented, for as long as you have your own little square foot of water to swim in, even if it means not going anywhere.

And this, this fear, is somehow correlated with maturity isn’t it? Growing older and growing more mature, more conventional, more “mediocre”? Is that it? Is it something we all go through and emerge, either permanently mediocre and longing we never settled for anything more than normal? Or crazy, whack, aged and wonderfully psychedelic? Or do we face it each single day, but this time, the roles are reversed, and the extraordinary is something no longer desirable, by which you know you’re doomed to conformity?
I’m scared of waking up one day and realizing I don’t have the life I’ll be proud of penning down someday, of people wishing they’d had the courage to do, or had the indecision or impulse of going through and realizing that it was a lesson worth learning. Am I the only person who feels this way?

2011-07-10T15:48:00.001+08:00

10th July.
Today, I am 18. Today, I am….. still no one.
What do I have to be proud of? What have I accomplished for the past 18 years?
Today, I will try to change. Today, I’ll try to make a difference.
From a distance, I can hear a hallow voice chant the same thing, almost mocking repeatedly.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Aff. Happy birthday to you.”

For the people who stuck through the years and those who didn’t, I love you.

At least I think I do.

I’m capsizing, sinking.
Just this time, I’ll allow myself to fall.

2011-07-09T01:16:00.001+08:00

It’s nights like this when I’m alone and confined within the four white walls of my room with the xx’s night time playing in the background will I only feel safe to open my Pandora box and let my fingers do most of the “talking” and most of the time, no all of the time I keep asking myself the same question. Who am I really? Who’s this person who puts up this façade to pull though the day? Sometimes, just sometimes I start to believe that this is who I really am because most of the time, I can’t seem to put this “self” aside. It kills me sometime to have to know that I AM pretending and the sad thing is that I know that not only am I doing it to the closest people, but also to myself. I’m not Aff but Vanity. I am slowly drowning, I need someone, anyone to just reach out a hand and pull me back out. My freedom to express my emotions is really being fucked with. I’m afraid, of what lays in the future for me. I am still uncertain. I mean, you’d think that after 17ish years I had got used to this skin? Do I really look like I need another fucking puzzle to solve when there’s fifty or more than that waiting for me to piece it together? Do I lie to myself to make me feel happy? I choose to believe, wait. No. I have to believe a world outside my own mind because, we all know what happens if you choose to do otherwise. It never works out how we planned it to be. Opinions are rarely taken into account. No one cares what you think if you’re no one. I have to believe that my actions/behavior still has its meaning even if I don’t/won’t remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, that the world is still here, that everyone’s still here. But, do I truly believe that the world is still out there with everyone? Is it still out there? We all need memories to remind ourselves who we are. I have always been known as a cynic. But deep down somewhere, I know slowly, just slowly, I’ll find my way back. I always do, I think. Can you bring me back to the person I used to be? The next time, I’ll try to not forget my roots. The next time. I am nothing. I am Jane’s wasted space. I am Jane in flames of rejection. I am……….the ideal nonentity. Too perfect, immaculate.

on a side note, i missed you today, i'll miss you the entire night away.

your luck

2010-11-21T15:30:00.000+08:00

I was capsizing,
i sunk below where i swore i would never go.
If you can't stand in place, you can't tell who's walking away.

i remember the push more than the fall.

2010-11-18T04:00:00.003+08:00

Well, I've removed myself from the comfort of tumblr and returned to blogger.

Today, I woke up to a cool morning shower today. I love the sound of cars driving against wet gravel. And then I realized that maybe, maybe in one’s entire life, people will never appreciate something to be as beautiful as it is to you. It was a fleeting thought. But maybe it will come again, and maybe then it wouldn’t be roused by the sound of rain. It might be something else, something bigger.

till next time then.

2010-08-10T12:00:00.000+08:00

I haven't posted here in awhile, and though the reasons remain unclear, I will pin it on these things: zero intellectual feed and well, my other alternative to writing mindless rubbish (which I will talk about later). But today, so strong was my desire to write something here that I realized I've never felt this stimulated in a long time. In every sense of the word. Except sensual, of course, although highly disputable...

But I digress from my main train of thoughts, which seems to be heading towards a dilapidated and damaged set of rails suspending over a monstrous abyss threatening to swallow up every thread of my mental fix just because I seem to be so easily... contented these days. I was going to type something quasi philosophical and non-conclusive rubbish like "because of reasons unfathomable" but no. ok let's get realistic here. I'm easily contented because, well, my objectives seem to be shifting momentarily to other things: temporary, AND easy to achieve!

and why the heck? because i'm running this state-sponsored marathon of school where, i'm reaching the point where I'm just acclimatizing to this sense of mental and physical dehydration & my body tempts with "come on aff, don't throw in the towel now". i'm so physically exhausted i'm just thrilled to champion little dilemmas in my life like getting cheap bargains off blogshops, catching the latest movies, trying out new eateries etc. And so the cog turns slowly towards this shimmery materials of my life, the short-term rewards of this paradisiacal charade.

But today, I found something else to fight for, a battle worth preparing myself for, or at least the illusion of it, which would gratify, at least for now. The future still looks pretty surreal.

Anyway, that off my chest, the second reason i've not been writing here, i can offer some witty psychological insight!! As i've been writing purely fictitious paragraphs every available time I have online as a stress-relieving session, it occurs to me that these short stories seem to contain, without me consciously maneuvering, motifs and themes i've always been fascinated by!: light, suicides, highways, memory, reincarnation. on one hand it could suggest the limitations of my brain, the 10% of my brain which at any one time is being used which is being stuffed with the same non sequiturs. on the other hand, they could be a representative glimpse of the development of my own perspective, right? In any case, i continue writing, and we'll see how things change. Write stories for yourself on an occasional basis and see what kind of motifs you include!

And so: that's my aim for now. Asides from catching The Other Guy with syafiq later, one of my new aims now is to understand the role of the society, or rather, roles. and functions. which aren't always the same.

in the meantime, i will dream about my cheap buy till further intellectual exploits!

2010-03-21T13:40:00.002+08:00

A lot of things running through my mind ringht now. Exams, quizzes, deadlines, the bis O's, preparations, projects, YOU, finance, time. Like I said in my long-long-ago post, I'm afraid of involvements. Feel like backing out in certain things but no. It will only make things mundane. Cant allow myself to feel down in this few upcoming months. I'll practice delusion or self denial or spacing out if i have to, looking at the state of my discipline right now. It will start of by saying

AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM AWESOME IM

FUCK YOU!

2010-03-18T22:29:00.002+08:00

five facts
fact one: hahahaha, im born lazy and annoying
fact two: i pretend to be oblivious when things go wrong
fact three: im an individual
fact four: i love, i repeat loveeee to take my tayo(time)
fact five: im fun?

2010-02-12T22:28:00.000+08:00

tonight, i'll cry myself to sleep :)

2010-01-24T02:48:00.000+08:00

Promise of a New year beckons, but yes, as someone said once, it's a perfect example of how as humans, we very often live by an artificial clockwork that is set by calendars. Sometimes it's a clockwork that defies our emotional, biological development, and all the more a reason for us to obsess over how we don't look like 20 when we turn 20, or how we don't feel like we've accumulated an existence that suffices that particular age. But like all things in society, they represent bulwarks of control, steel structures set in place that prevent our lives from unraveling desirably and uncontrollably like a garish mix of colours ala Matisse's Baudelairean paintings. We all know enough that we aren't beings mechanized for Utopia. We're too imaginative, too ambitious, too intoxicated with reality.

2010-01-24T02:41:00.001+08:00

i feel very drained

2010-01-01T18:26:00.001+08:00

2009 hasn’t been the best of years, and the outlook for 2010 is pretty much gloomy as well. I’m feeling a little bit shit right now to be honest.

2009-12-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

"One day, you don’t feel like doing anything. Nothing interests you, everything bores you. Feel more and more empty inside, more and more dissatisfied with yourself and the world in general. Then even that feeling wears off, and you don’t feel anything anymore. You become completely indifferent to what goes on around you. You forget how to laugh and cry - you’re cold inside and incapable of loving anything or anyone. There’s no going back. The disease has a name. It’s called deadly tedium."

-Michael Ende

2009-12-18T00:29:00.002+08:00

i hate to disappoint and i hate myself for being a disappointment. pleaseletmebeabetterpersontomorrow.

and all this while, i thought i was someone else, someone good .
I'm sure, this constant pain will go away.

I'm getting my results in a few more hours time.

I'll have to find the two other books, otherwise i wont be able to get my certificate. then again, it's just a certificate.

this uncanny sadness overwhelmed me. so unexplainable.

2009-12-14T16:59:00.002+08:00

Bold what applies to you

001. i miss somebody right now.
002. i watch more tv than i used to.
003. i love olives.
004. i love sleeping.
005. i own lots of books.
006. i wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. i love to play video games.
008. i’ve watched porn movies.
010. i have been in a threesome.
011. i have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. i believe honesty is the best policy.
013. i have acne free skin.
014. i like and respect al sharpton.
015. i curse frequently.
016. i’ve changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. i have a hobby.
018. i’ve been told i have a nice butt.
019. i carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. i’m really, really smart.
021. i’ve never broken anyone else’s bones.
022. i have a secret that i am ashamed to reveal.
023. i love rain.
024. i’m paranoid at times.
025. i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. i need money right now.
027. i love sushi.
028. i talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. i have fresh breath in the morning.
030. i have semi-long hair.
032. i have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. i was born in a country outside of the u.s.
034. i shave my legs.
035. i have a twin.
037. i couldn’t survive without caller i.d.
038. i like the way that i look.
039. i have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
041. i am usually pessimistic.
042. i have mood swings.
043. i think prostitution should be legalized.
044. i think britney spears is pretty.
045. i have cheated on a significant other.
046. i have a hidden talent.
047. i’m always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
048. i think that i’m popular.
049. i am currently single.
050. i have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. i enjoy talking on the phone.
052. i practically live in sweatpants or pj pants.
053. i love to shop.
054. i would rather shop than eat.
055. i would classify myself as ghetto.
056. i’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. i’m obsessed with my blog.
058. i don’t hate anyone.
059. i’m a pretty good dancer.
060. i’m a horrible dancer.
061. i’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. i have a cell phone.
063. i watch muchmusic on a daily basis.
064. i cry myself to sleep sometimes.
065. i have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. i have never been in a real relationship before.
068. i’ve rejected someone before.
069. i currently have a crush on someone.
070. i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
071. i want to have children in the future.
072. i have changed a diaper before.
073. i’ve had the cops called on me before.
074. i bite my nails.
075. i am a member of the tom green fan club.
076. i’m not allergic to anything deadly.
077. i have a lot to learn.
078. i have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. i plan on seeing ice cube’s newest "friday" movie.
080. i am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. i’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. i have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. i have tried alcohol before.
084. i have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past.
085. i own the "south park" movie.
087. when i was a kid i played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. i enjoy country music.
089. i love my best friend(s).
090. i think that pizza hut has the best pizza.
091. i watch soap operas whenever i can.
092. i’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. i have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. i love michael jackson, scandals and all.
095. i know all the words to slick rick’s "children’s story".
096. halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. i watch spongebob squarepants and i like it.
098. i have dated a close friend’s ex.
099. i’m happy as of this moment.
100. i have gone scuba diving.
101. i’ve had a crush on someone i’ve never met.
102. i’ve kissed someone i knew i shouldn’t.
103. i play a musical instrument.
104. i strongly dislike math.
105. i’m procrastinating on something right now.
106. i own and use a library card.
107. i fall in "lust" more than in "love".
108. cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. i think the lord of the rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. i’m obsessed with the tv show "lost."
111. i am resentful that i have to grow up.
112. i am an entirely different person around different people.
113. i think the world would be a better place if people just smiled and meant it more often.
114. i think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. i am suffering of a broken heart.
116. i am a nerd.
117. no matter where i am or who i’m with, i always seem to be lonely.
118. i am left handed and proud of it.
119. i don’t change who i am for someone else.
120. my heart resides below my feet.
121. i am a senior in high school.
122. i enjoy smoothies.
123. i have gastritis.
124. i have nothing better to do with my time. clearly.
125. i am listening to radiohead right now.
126. most people call me by my middle name.
127. i once stole a music stand.
128. pi confuses me.
129. i love nascar!
130. i own over 200 cds.
131. i work 7 days a week.
132. i have mono.
132. i don’t have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. people tell me i have a horrible sense of humor.
134. i’m only wearing underwear.
135. i had more than one thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. i’ve driven to a different state to see a band i liked.
137. i am the most over analytical person i know.
138. i believe in wasting time.
139. i don’t listen to too much music.
140. i have a shoe fetish.
141. my favorite holiday isn’t christmas.
142. i prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. i love sex.
144. i wanna go home.
145. i don’t know what i would do without my friends.
146. christmas threw up in my dorm room and i love it.
147. friends is (one of) my favorite tv shows.
148. i’m hungry.
149. i’m still angry about the nip/tuck season 2 finale cliffhanger.
150. i’m a potterhead and proud of it!
151. i noticed there are several numbers missing from this list, making this very much not the 151st entry.
152. i lied about one of the items on this list.
153. my siblings are my best friends (one of them).
154. i believe cheese should be its own food group it is soooo good!
155. i have a problem expressing things.
156. i have lost a parent.
157. i am the most deprived person i know on the face of the planet.
158. i have at least one test tomorrow that i am not prepared for yet.
159. i love slim jims! even if they are really bad for you.
160. i am sick and tired of school college.
161. i love sundance.
162. i do not watch television.
163. i love starbucks coffee drinks.
164. i am living at least one lie right now.
165. i love wearing skirts, even if its winter.
166. i’m a techie.
167. i am writing this far, far too late/early.
168. i’m a little crazy.
169. i like the smell of white tic tacs.
170. i know at least one person in a "life or death" crises at this moment.
171. i don’t associate myself with any political parties.
172. i always know all the gossip at my school/workplace/whatever, and nobody ever suspects it.
173. i have thought about suicide.
174. i have no idea what i am going to write for my question.
175. i can be selfish.
176. i’m so emo at times.
177. i can solve a 3x3 rubik’s cube.
178. i think the human race is evil & should be demolished.
179. i cheated on a test before.
180. i am a member of animemusicvideos.org
181. i’m sick of drama.
182. i need a job

2009-12-11T21:13:00.001+08:00

i'll miss C over the week :(
love you baby

ccb

2009-12-11T20:52:00.004+08:00

you know what, come to think of it

i fucking hate my fucking dad so much, seriously.

i fucking hate you so fucking much, you fucking wanker

you're so fucking lucky that my mom's still with you despite you cheating on her!

if beating and having affairs is what you're good at, then you're a sad and a fucking pathetic excuse for a fucking dad.

you wanna fucking beat me so fucking much, beat me. I'll be your fucking punching bag.
come on, beat me up already?! enough with the fucking threats already! I'm so fucking sick of it.

I MOTHERFUCKING HATE YOU FOR YOUR FUCKING GUTS! FOR YELLING AT ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON. FOR GIVING ME THOSE 'BETTER SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL BEAT YOU UP CRAP'
I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ALREADY!

I FUCKING HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

2009-12-10T20:30:00.000+08:00

The past few days has been potentially exhilarating and emotional, like a big Rubik's cube of bulky emotions that one just couldn't be bothered to persist in solving, and the worst part is i feel like I've gone through the most part of assimilating and dealing with these emotions half-sedated. I'm exhausted most of the time and i find myself emerging from murky waters, a shadowy alter-ego, dealing cunningly with these emotions. i say things (or rather i don't say anything) completely contrary to how i usually would. And it's scary, this change. It's like i can't even trust myself.

i feel the very need to start anew, at a place where no one knows me.

2009-12-09T00:16:00.001+08:00

i feel so fucked up -.-

2009-12-04T21:41:00.002+08:00

i like scruffiness. i like smoking and drinking. i like keeping my hair unkempt. i like isolating myself from everyone. i like watching old movies. i like to make my life feel grimmy and used. i hate slick and glamorous. i don't like the latest thing. but then, all this things intimidate me.

on aside note, while i was brushing my teeth, i saw the other two toothbrushes in the beaker. they are resting side by side and it looks like they are copulating.

i love my darling boyfriend

2009-12-01T23:00:00.001+08:00

can't wait for friday, i'll let you cool for abit

iloveyouChris

2009-12-01T19:19:00.003+08:00

i want to change. i want to feel rejection. i want to feel shameless. i want to feel brave. i want to feel confident. i want to feel happy, genuinely happy. i want to go to bed at night, feeling something. i want to be isolated. i don't want to talk alot. i want people to wonder about me. i want to climb. i want to be in small places. i want i want i want. it's all i want. but i don't make a move at all. i choose to be spoilt, pampered. i choose to be this spoilt sixteen year old that i am, and not do anything about it. i think because I'm very afraid of growing up. being an adult. it all seem too stuffy for me. i want to stay this way forever. i hate responsibility, i hate having things to worry about. i hate going to the mail and looking at bills. i hate not being to throw a tantrum, cus it'll seem childish. now, i think. no, wait. it's not i think. i know that i sound very petty. and you know what, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

and here i am feeling so fucked while you're giving yourself a few minutes of harmless porn, thrusting and fellating shot at close range and poured down the virtual tubes and wires into your bedroom. imagine how I'm feeling now?

2009-11-30T18:33:00.001+08:00

i think i gotta stop being petty -.-

2009-11-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

So... the only thing that could succinctly describe my mood today is that minute of waking up to a morning which persists because I so very badly wanted to go back to sleep. I feel languorous, fluid, totally relinquished like a lost sampan. Not that I don't feel like doing anything. On the contrary, I feel like painting, reading, swimming, with all the inconsequential assurance that when I go back to sleep only then will time resume to normal.

2009-11-28T16:36:00.001+08:00

yay! in less than 24hours C will be back
I MISS YOU!

i need my sleep, bad

2009-11-28T04:44:00.000+08:00

Every night, before we fall asleep. We lie to ourselves in desperate hope, that in the morning, when we wake up, it will be true.

Some people just simply don't catch on, they'd rather just pretend.

While things are going smooth, they smile and call you 'friend'.

Funny how you never know who cares, only until it hurts.

And when it's over, does it matter who blew off who first?

Hey, all you want is something i can never be. Because i simply do not live up to your expectation.

2009-11-27T14:22:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. Haha, guilty enough?

2009-11-26T22:29:00.002+08:00

i've just realised that i am a very fucked up person

I haven't had a good night sleep in awhile.
maybe thats why my temper is going hay-wire. and i cannot function well.

2009-11-23T15:14:00.000+08:00

i am bored

2009-11-21T14:56:00.003+08:00

i want to feel, to be able to meet someone and feel contend.
to have someone who feels that meeting me and knowing me, will want to make them be everything. to look after me. to make me feel proud.

i think this is too much for a sixteen year old to think and feel. -.-

i think, I've been reading to much.
i think i think i think

it's been idontknow how many days you've left and well, I'm don't think i miss you at all.
like i say before, i hate this feeling. no, not the feeling of missing you. this guilt feeling.
or am i just saying this? crap, i miss you like shit.

i miss you texting me early in the morning. i miss all those typos of yours. i miss you getting confused when i get annoyed for no reason. i miss you taking time to understand me. i miss your kisses, your hugs. i miss you saying that you miss me.

i love your random phone calls. i love you saying that you love me. i love you giving me that look when i slap your face. i love looking at you when you laugh. i love you that you'd do anything for me. i love you that you're different. i love that you don't hover. i love that you don't care. yes, i do.

i hate that you're you. i hate that you made me feel this way. i hate that look you give me when i let you down. i hate that voice of yours when i cry. i hate you for being all soapy and annoying. i hate that you're doing things for me.

okay, I'm done.

2009-11-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

revolution
-noun
1. an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed.
2. Sociology. a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, esp. one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence.
3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something: the present revolution in church architecture.

what is revolution?
perceived as a modification of a complete change of a constitution.
people who seek revolution thirst for change. so they’re unhappy about the current state of things politically, socially, etc. but what do we really want? change. change to? change from? what is there to change? and why do we need to change?

everyone contributes to a growing revolution. diminishing, enlarging.
from a man deciding to reject a plastic bag from a convenient store.
a girl deciding not to purchase one dress from a corporation that all her friends are buying from because they are guilty of sweatshop labours.
from a piece of music influencing hundreds of people who listen to it.
a boy who doesn’t want to go to church when his parents forced him to.

one makes a difference.
thousands make a revolution.
are you part of the thousands?
am i part of the thousands?
are we part of the thousands?

revolution is happening in front of your eyes.
embrace? or reject?
sound is revolution
rebellion is revolution
boycott is revolution
a “fuck you” is revolution
middle finger salute to revolution

pleasee watchh

2009-11-17T14:44:00.003+08:00

this world is not your stepping stone
this world only brings you down
everyone is just waiting to take a stab at you
before blaming your back for hurting their knife
give me a reason to cry
give me a reason to laugh
you cant
what is already is

okay, a very tight panty will result in a very funny mark around your waist.
trust me, i've been there

2009-11-16T20:43:00.001+08:00

well, this is something.
i dont feel anything at all. this is wrong, very very wrong

on a sidenote, i finished daddy's work.

Grad night '09

2009-11-14T22:00:00.002+08:00

even if im 70, i know i'll remember 13 November'09
i had a great time. i'll miss everyone.

thank you everyone, who uttered words and glances and gestures and hugs and handshakes of whishes and happiness and joy. surely, if the results were not, my appreciation and gratitude for you is one of the many testaments of each and every one of you as a phenomenal individual who will change the world.

2009-11-12T14:12:00.002+08:00

I think this idea of love we all keep hounding on may be part bio-chemical and part fictional. In that order.

How is it that we can all share a common interest, a common rush of adrenaline and a common joy and disdain in encapsulating the experiences of love that line with each other so neatly? Romantic comedies are almost always a cinema staple as the demand for stencil-based rom-com flicks seems to be increasingly price inelastic, not withstanding the possible diverse nature for love. Phone conversations almost always engage the two possibly most diverse of minds in a negotiation and eventually, understanding of love, or our impressions of it. Men agree that it's their biological duty not to commit to it. Women agree that it's one of their many duties in Life to.

And possibly, it may be because we live up to a fictional hype of what Love is supposed to be. We look out for signals of this emotion that's been passed down through celluloid cinema screens, mobile text messages, gossip hearsay and check it down against a list of tabulated signs in history's annals of love. We tell ourselves love needs commitment. We tell ourselves love needs liberation. The guy next to us says love can co-exist with lust. The neighbour says what we think is love is really just lust. Love is just too subjective and we aggravate it by making it an ideal, a magnanimous compound of what we should live our lives for, only to cower in the whole ambivalence; and ambivalence precisely because the people we rely on to deliver us this felicity of "love" continue to rely on these "signals".

We can't blame it all on fiction and hype though. Love starts as an inkling, a tickle as it trickles down your eyes, through your fingers as you savour your very first encounter. Our sensory receptors relay these sensations to our brain, and we think: Is this happiness? Is it just pheromones? Is this my body sticking its tongue out at me? Because the truth is history has defined our basic instincts first: and love is not one of them. Love becomes what it is because it encompasses our basic instincts, and more.

So: The brain gets a mix of biological signals. This is where the hype, and the fiction, seeping through the left hemisphere of our brain, warps this smattering of signals like a spurt of oil in a glass of water.

And when this happens the hemispheres of my brain remember this entry I've just written, and I walk away, defeated, because I just can't stop thinking and trying to justify these successes and failures.

2009-11-10T00:27:00.001+08:00

i love you

2009-11-08T21:40:00.002+08:00

19 hours, i feel like shit. i miss you

23 days, i think im going to die

i miss you C, so much

screw the fucking system

2009-11-06T15:40:00.001+08:00

okay
my life is at an abrupt halt right now.
it wont make any progress until i get my result.
I'm nervous as shit. i had a heart to heart talk with my mom yesterday.
i asked her, what happens if i don't pass? well, she did try to ease me a little
but the implication is that is if screw up, I'm shit creek!

i must sit for O's!
I'm already missing the feeling of hate when i wake up in the morning at five and put on the uniform i’ve been donning almost everyday for the past four years, talking back to teachers so we can have moments of laughter in hours of boredom, having homework and not doing it and so much more. four years, i’ve made the best of friends and have seen the worse of them, but as far as we have drifted away, if there was one last thing i can do before i die, i would want to hang out with them and do nothing and talk.

on a side note, C's flying of to walabi. is that how it spells? anyway, have a pleasant trip. bring me back some hottt Aussie guys!

2009-11-02T19:37:00.003+08:00

this isn't what i really hoped for after getting out of the examination hall. this isn't what i expected it to be or even feel like. i was hoping to be busy everyday, making plans. yes. i tend get to delusional and carried away, mostly because i don't find the need to cram my head, with mathematics formulae, long social studies essay, river's and coastal landforms and the oh so easiest subject that everyone had told me, which i doubt it is; FNN. getting used to this lifestyle that i am heading now, is very unhealthy. and for my sixteen years of existence, i feel that this is by far my most weakest attempt so far. I've made it loud and clear to most of my tertiary school-going friends that i envied them for being able attend school, it feels as though that there's a purpose in their teen or should i say, young adult lives. and no doubt about the fact that most of them envied me for not doing anything. i can't deny the fact that i feel happy, wait I'm not sure if happy is the right word, maybe how over the fucking moon i am that i don't have to fall into my mundane routine. but at the same time, i know that this is just an euphoric moment that everyone has. waking up at five, so as not to be late for school. blocking the chills when i shower. using the same old uniform i had for the past four years; which I'm not really keen on changing, for the next one year that is. but i know it wont last long, so I'm trying real hard to bask in it.

apart for not doing anything but lazily lying in bed, I've been doing much thinking. I'm sure as hell i do not wish to disappoint my parents, and also myself. i do not want to end up in ITE, it's not a good place for me. I'm not trying to be stereotype, most of my friends are there for fucks sake. so don't hold it against me. well, the place is just not meant for me. I'm not sure why but everyone around me, has a good vibe about me making it to secondary five. that is just making it more harder. I've been surrounded by people who are ten times smarter than me. EVERYONE AROUND ME IS! so that puts me under pressure, if i fail, everyone will look down on me. like I'm the black sheep of the family. and then the whole lecture will start again, and boom! I'll fall into my deep abyss. well at least this will bring back a sense of nostalgia. ha ha, who am i kidding? i know one person who will be dying to crucify me. I'm not sure if I'm having an ambivalent feeling about it. pretty monotone, if you ask me. i won't make any judgement call on that. oh, well. time will tell. for fucks sake, I'm getting more cliche by the minute.

so if you're asking me, how have i been over the past one month, i have to say that I've been the same boring person that I've been. not that anyone cares :) oh, yes. my reason of keeping this post long, is just a distraction for me. not that I've come to realise how empty it is. and reading back, it seem pretty personal to me. it's like typing it all out. how i feel and crap. like i say earlier, I'M GETTING MORE CLICHED BY THE MINUTE!
to the year coming to an end, very abruptly. i wonder if i had done all the things that i intend to accomplish this year. all but two is checked. the most obvious thing in every 16 year old girl taking N's this year, i reckon; shedding more weight, I'm not sure if 1KG counts. but who cares? and also to complete my secondary school life (until secondary five) it just goes back to it, doesn't it. all back to the bane existence of it, that may cause me to eat up my gut.

secondary five, sit for O's and I'd be happy as a lark. i wonder how my mate's seem so nonchalant about it.well, not for those who had their game plan already. i mean, the ones who is keen on sitting for O's, like me. imagine getting your result, and once you got a look at it, your whole entire being is filled with despair, resentment and also the feeling where the whole world is cursing you, calling you dumb? that i can't wait to feel.
i have to prepare myself for the worst. not that i know why i should, but hey? anything helps righttt? I'm not saying that i wont feel a pinch? a pinch? who am i kidding? it's more of a blow in the head, i must say. at least I'll recover from it. i know i have to have a plan B.

option one, take private O's.
option two, proceed to ITE.
option three, retain(given the chance)

there, my backup plan. i hope i wont need it though.

okay, i think this is it? hahaha, i have to log out fast or I'd bore my readers and also myself with another 600++++ words. plus, i have to do my dad's homework.

I NEED TO PASS MY N'S TO SIT FOR O'S! period!

Education

2009-10-28T23:00:00.001+08:00

i have a big problem with the education standards in Singapore. we’re probably doing syllabuses with standards equivalent to what other kids do in college. its unbelievable stress, when you’re 15 or 16, you’re supposed to be out having fun every night with friends because its the one age, not young enough to be innocent, not old enough to be of legal age. that's the true rush. sometimes its better to leave something that will be coming much later to think about in a time much later. if we spend ALL of our time worrying about the future, then we’ll just be doing this all our lives worrying about tomorrow and tomorrow worrying about tomorrow and on and on. but instead, kids are studying textbooks 10 hours a day, spending half their years being molded by others into someone they’re expected to be in the other half of their years. why? the higher our standards, the higher chances of us getting tertiary jobs. you might think that's a very good thing for we’ll get higher pays. higher pays = higher taxes.
higher taxes = richer government
richer government = greedier government
greedier government = increase in cost of living10 years later,
the government will be richer by the millions, but we’ll be poorer by the same rate as far as tax increases go. im not saying we don’t have a good government, im saying we don’t have a perfect government. on the empathetic side, governments are people too, and they have flaws. no government can be perfect and we often blame them for the little mistakes that cause drastic changes. its a debatable good-bad thing. oops. i just realised i’ve strayed too far off from the original topic. oh well, better not go into this now, or another 600 words will be typed.

Daze and Confusion

2009-10-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

I purposely keep myself naive and away from earthly informations because it's the only way to avoid a jaded attitude.
Everything i do, is internally subconscious because you can't rationalize spirituality.
We don't deserve this privilege.
I can't speak, i can only feel.
Maybe someday i'll turn myself into Hellen Keller by puncturing my ears with a knife, then cutting my voice box out.
If you want to know what life after life feels like, then put on a fucking parachute, get onto a plane, shoot a good amount of heroine into your veins, and immediately follow that with a hit of nitrous oxide then jump.
wait, or maybe set yourself on fire.

aftermath

2009-10-25T22:06:00.002+08:00

I wished i was a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better girlfriend. Sometimes, like right now, i hate the way i am. I hate the way i don't give a fuck about things. I hate the way i leave things hanging. I hate the way i let my mom down. I hate the way my sister look down on me. I hate the way i try to throw away the things i did. I hate the way i can't control the demon in me. I hate the way the house is so quiet leaving me in all my memories. I hate the emptiness. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the way, i can't call anybody right now. I am afraid. Where's my sense of sanity? Has it gone lost forever?

There's nothing much i can do. Hope and Faith. Those words are inked in my head. Maybe i should get them inked on my arms. So i'll see them everyday, and remember what my life is all about. I have my moments too, i am only human. Sometimes, i wished i was a zombie, so i wouldn't have feelings. Sometimes all i want to do is to live my life all over again.
And not feel shitty like right now.

2009-10-20T23:40:00.001+08:00

okay, i've finally decide to revive my long lost blogger.
wordpress is tooo complex for me.

"Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. It's like the tide going out, revealing whatever's been thrown away and sunk: broken bottles, old gloves, rusting pop cans, nibbled fishbodies, bones...The ruin you've made."

- Cat's Eye, Margaret Atwood

great kan

2009-06-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

oh, and to those who cares:

i am not going to school cus i am fucking lazy and tired.
i am not going to school cus i need to study chemistry for three hours and forty five minutes straight.
i am not going to school cus there is no math. and it sucks.
i am not going to school cus i do not with to see sluts face.
i am not going to school cus i am playing sick with my lovely form teacher.
i am not going to school cus my eye is sore due to the crying lesson i had.
i am not going to school cus i do not want to go for flag day.

my cell is dead, and I'm planning for it to be that way for the next 24hours.
i miss you but then i hate you.
no, i wont call you.
and yes, revenge is sweet.
anything nudge me online, cus I'm not sleeping.

and i thought i remembered myself saying that i have to study hard to be able to sit for O's.

ok, movie's done buffering.

dope

2009-06-03T00:27:00.000+08:00

I am undeserving.
I am selfish.

I am a piece of junk.i get thrown here and there.
I am also the dust bin.

I swallow your trash through those ears and mind.
And as i reassure myself that, "it's okay, i'll make it through".

I get thrown away again.

I am Aff.

I am the human failure.

how long do you think it'll take me to forget you?

2009-05-30T03:06:00.000+08:00

i hate you doing this to me.
no, sorry won't help anymore.
sucks so bad.

moveeee

2009-05-28T01:52:00.002+08:00

i'm moving to wordpress (i think)
blogger is too dull.

time

2009-05-26T04:28:00.001+08:00

i don't know that i can actually get carried away
doing my Food and Nutrition. i fucking thought that it was two something.
well, it's almost 4:30 now.
i think, I'm going to take a quick nap before getting ready for school.
three down, one more to go.

Evaluation

2009-05-26T01:06:00.002+08:00

i sit on my bed. textbook on my right. notebook on my left.
i am writing everything and anything that comes to mind.
but the shit that I'm writing has nothing to do with what she wanted.
oh fuck, I'm just screwing it all up.
i can't take it easy as the rest of them, because I'm so fucking behind everyone else.
i want to shut mini and go to bed. -.-
fuck. how am i going to bed when all i keep thinking of is this.
it's 1.11. maybe I'll stay up for a little bit. sigh.
this sucks so bad

2009-05-24T04:21:00.000+08:00

thank you bf for helping me with my evaluation.

i love you, goodnight.

people these days wants money more than passion.

people these days wants materials more than friends.

i suppose the only good thing about heartbreak is that it reinforces your sense of humanity. Heart; as the pain is felt primarily in your chest, though it may not be left or centre. Break; as the feeling is one of damage, devastation even; one of something inside you fracturing or worse, shattering into a million irretrievable pieces. it can also feel like something within you collapsing, leaving traces of nothing behind. it can make you feel strangely weightless, because there is a sensation that you have been drained of absolutely everything.

then there are tears, shed or in streams, quietly or heavy sobs and the fear, no matter how irrational, the feeling may never go away.

do what you want to do, but at the end of the day no one's giant ego and pride is helping to solve any problems. miscommunication and silence in the aftermath will forever be the cause of our downfall.

2009-05-23T17:29:00.002+08:00

let me make this clear
2012 is NOT the end of the world.
it's just the end of the calander of the maya's!

2009-05-23T01:13:00.000+08:00

i'm not happy.

but looking at him makes me smile

2009-05-21T23:55:00.002+08:00

"I believe everything happens for a reason.
People change so you learn to let go.
Things go wrong so you learn to appreciate them when they're right.
You believe less so eventually you trust no one but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall into place."
- Marilyn Monroe

somehow, i just don't know what to say. I'm sorry.
i take back my words.
maybe it's best if i learn to keep my mouth shut.

2009-05-21T23:02:00.003+08:00

ever wanted to wake up from a deep deep sleep
and have that ability to forget everything.
yes, everything?

I've always wanted that to happen to me.
i want to crawl back to bed, and stay that way forever.
that way, no one will bother to find for me.

ever wondered why we change ourselves to fit in?
what do you get if you try to change yourself?
you're only lying to yourself. so, why bother?
it's not like you owe people around you your life?
if you change and people around you don't like you.
then what? what next? try to be someone else?

it really amuses me,
the fact that one would go to the end of the world,
if one was given the opportunity to, to try and do whatever
one can to make sure that everyone loves her,
not for who she is. but the show she's putting up for them.

no, I'm not referring to anyone in particular, so don't have that
" ohmygod, she wrote about me in her blog " attitude with me.
cus i made that very clear.

oh, I've got back my results for my MYEs.
I'm happy that I'm able to pass all of my subjects.
but I'm not satisfied, cus i know i can do better than that.

i love you, all. i think.

2009-05-20T22:42:00.002+08:00

" every thing's alright. I'm sure it'll work out "

you say that, people say that.
do they really feel it? can they really tell what you're going through.
even if one try to understand, one won't be able to tell what you're facing.
one say that penning down your thought and talking to a friend helps.
but do they help you answer your question?
well, there is a slight possibility that it may help. but, will it. really?
one once say that not all questions can be answered, how can one be so sure about that?

i just woke up, and i miss baby boy.
okay, i wanna watch donnie darko :)
outxxzz.

i wonder why i never end my posts this way. hmm.

2009-05-19T15:00:00.004+08:00

there are somethings we do because we convince ourselves that it would be better for everyone involved.
we tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do.

it's far easier than telling ourselves the truth

but then, what is the truth?

today is like one of those days,
i just want to sleep, sleep and sleep more.

i want to lie in bed, and stay that way forever.
really, the weather sucks. my head hurts so bad.
my back is sore. like really sore. all these, makes me want to go crawl and hide under the covers. and sleep it all away. life is so cruel.

note to self: meet C soon, rape him
i miss my pretty boy :(

stop the ride

2009-05-16T00:34:00.008+08:00

happy sweet sixteen sayang. i love you. let's work really hard for our N's and then we'll sit for O's together. have fun and god bless you baby :) cheyyy, sixteen or whatt. you know I'm not good at giving wishes for birthdays. but at least i remembered!
well, i have two more papers next week and I'm not feeling so good. i have a temperature of 38.3 and I'm not liking it one bit. i still blame you for not covering your mouth when you were coughing when you know that i get easily infected.

you asked me, what's bothering me. as much as i want to say nothing, i can't. as much as i deny, i can't. we, Chris have to talk. but i don't know how to start. and when i do, i won't stop and I'm afraid that I'll hurt you. i love you, i still do. but sometimes, just sometimes. sigh. I'm sorry.
i am lost for words. I've lost my intent. my freedom to express my emotion is being fucked with. the term Fuck, has as many connotations as does the term Emotion. i won't calmly and literally complain to you. you write the list, i can list you more.you.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

easy rider

2009-05-10T01:31:00.003+08:00

i feel so fucking cheated. i hate this feeling.

faces

2009-05-08T09:26:00.004+08:00

i woke up very early today
despite the fact that i don't have to attend school.
and the fact that my dear Tenent informing me
that mas selamat is captured.
hoho. i actually google him up.
finally, the search is over.
i didn't go out yesterday, cus mom didn't allow me to.
i made up my mind to follow my aunt.
oh, to my lovely Jesslyn Huang;
please do well for your clb.
even if you can finish it within two friggin minutes.

is it my fault the I'm not born perfect?
oh, don't try to give me that face.
you know very well that you've hurt my feelings.
i know i hurt yours.
but i tried making it up to you.
what did you do? nothing.
you just decided to ignore me.
fine. be it.
don't deny the fact that you've never raised your voice to your mother.
you wait. even if i love you more than anyone.
I'll still have my revenge.
you'll regret this one day mother. i swear you will.

I'm not, i repeat NOT going to talk to you.
I'm not, going to look at you.
I'm not going to be in the same room as you despite the circumstances.
I'm never, never breathing your air.
i never intended to do so, but you made me.
I'll prove you wrong.
no, i do not want to stay under the same roof as you.
when i turn legal, I'm moving. i don't care.
i swear i will and it's a vow i plan to keep.
again, I'm not sorry.
you know what, I'm actually proud of myself.

to my favourite boy,
ho ho. I'm sorry for yesterday and earlier today.
i miss you. i love you.
thank you, for everything.

hoho

2009-05-07T21:49:00.001+08:00

people look and people stare
people gossip, people care
people judge us by what we wear
what we say and what we do
who takes the time getting to know the real you?
people have motives, people make oaths
people do what they do and say what they say
but they might not always feel that way
people love and people hate
put everyone in little boxes, stored in their head
and in those boxes are cards of report
you and i, we’re not much in different
we’d think we know each other
though never spoken a word
and till we speak, i store a box inside my head
in it is a picture and a porcelain you i made

yes, I'm still angry. and you know what, I'm not sorry.
not at all.

Chris

2009-05-02T19:47:00.003+08:00

Now, it's my turn to be like one of those girls (not hinting anyone out there) who blogs about her boyfriend.

I was wrong when i said that i don't love you the way i did back then.
I've never felt this way before(i think).
I'm really sorry for being such an ass towards you.
I know at times, you can't tolerate my attitude.
I know for a fact that we're going to go through this little phase,
that we're facing.

I love every random phone call.
I love the fact that you're very nice towards me when i step all over you.
I love the fact that you're not afraid to show me that you're afraid/scared knowing that I'll laugh at you.
I love it when you're lost for words.
I love it when you're being nice to me for no apparent reason.
I love knowing that you'll always be there for me.
I love knowing that you're never bringing me down.
I love how you say you love me randomly.
I love how you give me little surprises.

thank you for always being there when i needed you the most.
thank you for helping me in every way that you can.
thank you for making me mad at you for no apparent reason.
thank you for being very honest to me.
thank you for having faith in me.
thank you for trusting me.
thank you for everything Chris.

remember few months back, when i used to deny it when you said that i like you? i missed those moments. remember when i dropped obvious hints to you? baby, you have no idea how much i miss you.

I'm very sorry for everything that I've done to hurt you.

i love you Chris. i really do :)
just don't think to much. nothing will happen love.
I'll take the test soon. enjoy your monday :0

no idea

2009-05-01T16:33:00.003+08:00

One thing that irritates me a lot is people who change their URL very often. A URL is like a name and a brand which a blog carries. For this blog, it is makeithappenbaby.blogspot.com, for others, I dont know.
They just love changing their blog URL and telling others to change the HTML code in the template section of the respective blog.

Another thing, get a short and easy to remember URL.
Blog readership is lower for those blogs that have URL that are
near-impossible to remember.
The only way to visit the blogs with such ridiculous names
are through link pages that are supplied by other blogs.
That creates a hassle for those who just want to read the latest post in the respective blog.

Another thing that is purely nonsensical and stupid to do is to actually have a URL that contain what many call "emo" words such as "love", "depressed" and "life". Be sad, feel sad, be in love
but the URL don't have to be in such a bad state.
Such URL are very cliché to begin with.
It is stupid and immature to have such URL.
Get a unique URL and don't mess up another person's life.

To those blog URL that are not "classified" as nonsense, congratulations!

2009-05-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

I know what i want, sometimes, i tend to pretend that i don't. So as to prevent the disappointments.

It does not matter.
i am really left with nothing to distract me.

I am so afraid. I am so afraid. I am so afraid.

I can list down a whole load of things that im afraid of,
and it'll never end. It goes on and on.

I am so afraid.

When will this phase of fear, go away?

one month

2009-05-01T01:08:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep. i really can't sleep.
i fucken waited for your reply, but you went offline.
thank you so much for making me wait
when you jolly well know that i hate waiting.
i don't know whats your deal.
you told me that you'll be waiting for me.
zzz. I'm fuken lazy with you already.

F, thanks so much for the message.
it did ease my cute little heart, but I'm still scared.
i know you care, but don't you think its a little to much?
sigh, i hate being all emotional over this matter, but i just can't help it.
stomach is a little upset due to excessive amount of coke. yes, i finished the big bottle of coke. with mahera's help, that is.

i enjoy spending time with my two lovely girlfriends just now.
mash, don't think too much. we're in this shit hole together horx.

& to liy, i know i was late. get over it will ya? haiyo. little bit late oso kennort harxz? hahah. love you :)

i need to go out often. i feel like a deprived baby in need for milk. sigh. I'm such a loser.

oh, how happy i felt when an unknown number text me
"halo, blh knal2" how typical can that be. pwissshh gib si chance. i
laughed my ass off when i read that, and during that point of time, i was alone finding the block to meet ma fwenz, and to think that I'm crazy.

again, I NEED TO GO OUT!

sigh

2009-04-28T19:45:00.004+08:00

pot calling a kettle black.
I'm not small nor am i big.
that, you have to know.
sigh, fights
oh, if you happen to read this,
i need my dress back. thank you. :)

on the other note,
I'm not done with my 1200 words.
I've yet studied knowing that MYE's just around the corner.
i'm late. super late.

2009-04-24T02:03:00.001+08:00

no, i refuse to do my 1200 words.
yes, I'm still up trying to complete my evaluation.
my brain cells are no longer functioning.
i need sleep.
again, FOOD AND NUTRITION SUCK BALLS!

block

2009-04-19T18:02:00.004+08:00

Happy sixteen baby. God bless. Enjoy your day.

i love you.

I'd like to laugh at a volcano which is erupting, next to my magma proof home.

random? i know. but i find it funny

fun?

2009-04-18T18:37:00.003+08:00

i hate people pestering me with questions.

yes, I'm referring to you, Zul.

stop asking me to do things for you. i don't like it.

try asking your mom? or go geylang?

I'm sure they'll give you great pleasure. sigh.

yesterday's conversation was the last straw.

don't say sorry, i know you'll do it again.

don't flatter me with sweet words, i can do that myself.

don't say you miss me, cause you don't.

don't say you need me, cause you don't.

go blow yourself.

i hate you. i really do. YOU SUCK!

you said you're okay with everything. then why can't you stop bringing up the past. i know i talk about you behind your back. i friggin told you that i'm sorry. why can't you just drop it? if you can't let go of it, then why are you friends with me in the first place? to make me feel guilty? trust me, i'm feeling it already.

i need my panadol.

i seriously need a break.

you're a cunt

2009-04-18T01:53:00.001+08:00

The night is young. but i have decided, im going to crawl in bed, and hide under the covers, go into a long deep sleep.
you know, i never wanted to know what you did. cos it wouldn't help.

i dont have my seeds!

2009-04-14T22:33:00.005+08:00

i am suppose to be busy practicing and preparing for my practical tomorrow
but somehow, i just don't bother myself to do it.
I'm suppose to feel fucken nervous, but why am i not?
jeez, I'm afraid that i screw up my practical.
i don't know how to cook. yes, Food And Nutrition is a pain in the ass!
I'm not sure why i even opted for it. should have dropped it months back.
but i can't. jeez! why did the government have to change the fucken system?
can't they just let us succeed for once?

Mom's stressing me on the importance on passing my N's. My aunts and uncle are doing the same. Dad's just watching me from a distance. and I'm not doing anything about it.
have to start studying. MYE's is less then a month away.
it is really crucial for me to pass my MYE's and not forget my N's,

a lot of things going on in class. sigh. i don't like this at all. i don't like the fact that everyone turn their back's on that particular person who had helped us with a lot of things. he/she is a nice person if you really get to know him/her. please, stop doing this to him/her. take care mate.
i hate you. i hate you touching me. i hate you following me. i hate you i hate you i hate you. you already have her, so why don't you just go on with your pretty fucken life and not bother mine?

sigh. I'm not sure how i feel now. two days, and i don't feel anything at all.
okay, maybe i did. but it's only for a brief moment.
i sometimes wonder if you're a habit to me.
no. don't get me wrong. i still do.
but I'm just uncertain.
with both of our actions. jeez.

Singapore flyer $10, for students on weekdays. anyone up for it?
text me. i wanna gooooo~

matter anymore

2009-04-11T01:56:00.000+08:00

I've been tossing and turning in bed.
I miss the peaceful sleep.
The brain can't seem to stop working.
Time's ticking away. As usual, im the only one, who's still up.
The house's so quiet. i need someone to talk to.
Maybe i should go make myself busy? I don't know.
I miss you the entire night away. I miss you today.

i'm sorry :(

you shitty fuck

2009-04-11T00:18:00.001+08:00

You judge, and you're hurting me all the same.

a scenic fracture

2009-04-10T02:42:00.003+08:00

its always rough when you have too much to be in the wrong state of mind, doing stupid things and saying stupid stuff BUT you didn’t have enough to forget about it when you wake up the next morning.
i think im starting to get used to the taste of vomit.

i’ll take back what i lost
i’ll take back what belongs
i’ll start all over again

2009-04-09T09:36:00.000+08:00

im sorry C. for everything.

sorry wont help, love

2009-04-04T12:10:00.003+08:00

and all i wanted is a perfectly sane relationship.
i know i may be too forward and maybe a little selfish.
but would it kill for you(for once) just say that you feel sorry for me and not her.
every time i tell you something wrong, you seem to blame it on me. "no fee, you have to stand for yourself" "you have to do it fee" "face your fears" "i feel bad for her" i know you saying that may seem nice and sugarcoated. but your tone seem that you're trying to make me feel that I'm the bad person.
all i wanted was for you to say "just forget it and go with the flow" "I'm here for you fee" "you can always count on me" "i have your back" or maybe something to not make me feel guilty. do you know how i feel Chris? do you? i doubt that you did. i doubt that you felt guilt for anything that you've done. i don't like us fighting, yes.
I've learnt my lesson now. i wont tell you things, so i wont feel more worse. and we wont have this silly arguments but then who do i turn to when i have no one to talk to? sigh. i don't like this at all. but if it'll help to make this relationship work, I'll do whatever it takes.
i feel that my presence is making everything worse.
i tend to hurt people's feelings. intentionally and unintentionally
i have to change myself.
i vow to keep my mouth shut and not talk behind my friends back.
i vow to be very nice and be a normal girlfriend to you.
i vow to never talk back to you.
it'll take a long time for me to get this right.
but i feel it's for the better.

2009-03-31T22:40:00.001+08:00

i dont like this.
Oasis is coming on the fifth (!) and i can't go
due to being sucha good girl.

TO DO LIST:
1. study
2. study
3. study
4. cut myself cause i can't go

saaaaaaapp

2009-03-30T22:10:00.005+08:00

i think, i need to make my way to the IT store to reformat my brain and buy a bigger memory card. lalalalalalaal~ (inside joke, ha ha)
i have to studay. i have to pass. i have to i have to i have to.
but i'm just so lazy. *gives finger*
I'm sorry, i really am.
i love you C, and i don't want this to happen again.

AL!!! i'll give you back your card when i feel that i don't need it. thank you. heh heh.
pie! you owe me chicken pie! i want my pie! *angry face* love you dood (i sound like a rapper) ha ha.

i'm okay, and you're okay

2009-03-29T18:47:00.003+08:00

After the door slams, the glass breaks, the loud siren, after someone got accepted, after a stabbing thought about what we forgot to do, after talking too much, after a look in the mirror, after alot of things, we beat ourselves nearly to death. why did i have to say that? why didn't i keep my mouth shut? why wasn't i a better person? why didn't i speak up? why didn't i just speak up?

alone with my feelings, in the dark of the night or the surreal light of day, the punishing voice of regret that often plays like a broken record, if only, if only, if only, if only. if only i could take back my words, erase it all , and start over?

" sometimes we all have to start over " one said.
and we did, how often had i not felt that way, a ten year old again, wanting to be close once more, with another chance? i was proud of one persistence and awed by one's words. had one not stated something universal and ultimate? do we not all, from time to time, wish we could start over?

the wonderful thing about being young is that if we had to do all over again, we could. many of us aren't young anymore, and our history follows us around like a patient dog, nudging for attention, and dropping white hairs on the carpet of life. if we tell it to go lie down. it is son back. the past is forever with us, and the bad with the good, and all the feelings that accompanied both. good feeling from the past are the golden, nostalgic moment that every so often fills our chests to bursting. the common intrusions from the past, however, are bad feelings, sad feelings, of wanting, wishing and not getting.

we may wake up feeling like a million dollars, but sometimes, it takes only a second for a frown,a slight, a remembered failure, to reduce us to zero, and the zero may last all day.

we can't stop the bad feelings from coming, but we can keep them from staying

2009-03-29T04:46:00.000+08:00

This chain letter is real so follow the instructions and something good will happen!! LISTEN TO THIS LETTER AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Sorry, but this chain letter is for real. When Anne Wichert got it for the first time, she ignored it and a week later the love of her life dumped her for no good reason so BEWARE, and just send the stupid letter!
The Lovers of the Heart
In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one
kissArticle 1:
Statement of Love: The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck I want you
4. Kiss on the lips I love you
5. Kiss on the ears I am just playing
6. Kiss anywhere else lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes kiss me
8. Playing with your hair I can't live without you.9. Hand on your waist I love you to much to let you go Article 2: The Three Steps
1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him.
2. Guys If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good.
3. Guys & Girls Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.

Article 3: The Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.
* Remember * Sans MS''> A peach is a peach A plum is a plum, A kiss isn't a kiss Without some tongue. So open up your mouth close your eyes, and give your tongue some exercise!!!

Here are a few reasons why guys like girls:
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says 'lets not fight anymore' even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say 'I love you'
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say 'I miss you'
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
*

This chain started in 1977. It is a love chain letter. In an hour you are supposed to send it to 25 people. It is easy, just look into chat rooms and find them. Anyway, send it to 25 people in 1 hour. Now here comes the fun part. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say 'I love you,' or 'Will you go out with me?' NO JOKE!!!!!

NOW THE CONSEQUENCES
The consequences are: If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships. If you don't break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!!!
CoNgRatULaTioNs!!
You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST Sans MS''> and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the Internet! Once you read, this letter you must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) be sent to 25 people After you send it, make a wish and it will come TRUE Sans MS''>
YOU MAY NOT WAIT FOR A CERTAIN TIME TO SEND IT........ REMEMBER, IT MUST BE SENT TO 25 PEOPLE WITHIN 1 HOUR, OR YOUR WISH WILL NOT COME TRUE! If THIS CHAIN LETTER IS CONTINUED UNTIL THE YEAR 2023, IT WILL BE PLACED IN
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!

PLEASE CONTINUE IT NOW!!!
*WARNING*
IF YOU DO NOT PASS THIS ON, SOMETHING BAD OR WORSE WILL HAPPEN TO YOU:
NOTE* THE MORE PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO THE MORE LUCK YOU WILL HAVE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE. IF YOU BREAK THE CHAIN LETTER
(IT HAS BEEN GOING SINCE 1887)
YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR SEVEN YEARS. THIS IS NO JOKE. GOOD LUCK!!

i cant believe people actaully mail this junk-.-just how cornyyyy can they be?i dont believe in chain messages. what happens, because it just does.not because you didn't forward a friggin chain message.for the love of god, please stop forwading this.it's just taking up space in my inbox.i have tonnnns of em'i've finally cleared my 1030 mails. some of em' i forward to certain peopleon impulse.

oh, and AL thanks for picking up my call and listened to me cry.i'm all better now. you're right,i'm strong. i love you AL, thanks alot.
it's five in the morning already. and i'm sick of waiting for something to happen which we both know won't.if you want to talk, you know where to reach me. i'm going to bed now.
i neeeeeeeedddddddd sleeeeeeeepppppp and you :(
imy, ily

third post

2009-03-29T04:11:00.003+08:00

ohmygoddddd, i can't sleep.
i'm going insane.

i dont expect anyone to read my blog because i know that anyone that matters already knows what im doing in life.
hypocrites being hypocrites.
liars being liars.
how similar are we actually are from what we write in your blogs and what we are in person?
is what we write not something staged and countlessly perfected to sway others’ opinions on ourselves and make them think that we are something that we want to be?
what we want them to think that we like and dowhat we want them to think that we believe and stand forhow well does one knows oneself?
well, what we want to be, does not always refer to what we are.
go ahead and worship, all your false idols.
worship the celebrities you see on magazines that you think you knowworship the ones you’d want to leech off and later stab in the back.worship the person you think you are.
how well do one know oneselves by reading and listening?
all i know of are empty heads and deaf ears.
blind eyes and locked hearts.
you’re never listening, you’re only impressed by what you do not understand.
impressed by what you’ve never seen or heard.
impressed by what you think is loveimpressed by what you do not know.
we’ve been impressed and playing dead our whole lives.now go ahead and take these lines that i don’t even understand.
take it in by your own understanding and pretend that you do.
go and tell the world what you heard and what you’ll be letting others hear.
for i am, no more than, just a person like you.
no more than what i despise and critisize, because only we know our own flaws best.
we’re only human, and we’d kill for attention.
we’d kill for other’s acceptance and definition, which we will later claim false accusation.
how different we are is how similar we are.

my fault, aint yours

2009-03-29T02:47:00.003+08:00

i just can't take any more. you said one but mean the other.
you friggin said you wanna work things out, but there you are making my wait.
if you're trying to get rid of me online, that's just to low.
I'm a big girl now, just say it to my face.
sure, I'll feel that pang of pain and cry, but I'll suck it up, I'll face it and go through it.

you know how i hate to wait, I'm a sucker for waiting.
are you ignoring me? it's fine if you are.
like i said earlier on, it's your call. you decide.
I've said how i feel, i told you my thoughts.
and that's that.

don't reply, don't text me.
too much for love huh baby.
I'm sick of you saying sorry.

i love you from the start, and i always will
I'm still holding on to that Chris. are you?

i guess, I'm crying myself to sleep cause i can't stop.
I'll get red puffy eyes in the morning. sigh.

If I say, I will forget my complaint, I will leave off my heaviness, and comfort [myself].
Job 9:27

it's better this way

2009-03-29T00:31:00.002+08:00

the idea that love leads to happiness is a modern invention, dating from the end of the century.
ever since then, people have been taught to believe that love should last
forever and that marriage is the best place in which to exercise that love.
in the past, there was less optimism about the longevity of passion.
Romeo and Juliet isn't a happy story, it's a tragedy.
in the last fer decades, expectations about love as the road to personal fulfilment have grown considerably, as have disappointment and dissatisfaction.

thank you

2009-03-28T20:50:00.003+08:00

a little too much to ask for?
i'm sorry. i love you, bye

2009-03-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

I never ever fucking forget my roots.
I never ever forget who my friends really are.
I know some people leave because i am too much to bear.
Those who stayed are crackheads - literally.

I did my part as friend.

I DID NOT build my happiness on your sorrows.
So why did you have to do it to me?
Why do you have to change me?
And when things don't go your way, why is it my fault?
Maybe it's time we call it quits.
The way you look at me, the way you talk about me.
Makes me feel utterly ashamed.
Is this how i should feel?
No matter how cracked up i am, i was there to hear you fuck it all.

Have i not done enough?

thursday?

2009-03-25T13:11:00.001+08:00

YAY! my phone got confiscated by fucking Belinda fucking Chew
I fucking hate her.
All messages and calls wont be answered

&imissboyfriend :(

questions

2009-03-24T20:07:00.002+08:00

we cant spend our whole lives looking for answers
where did we come from?
why are we here?
what do we need to do?
what happens after we die?
does any of the above even matter?
sometimes we need to take a moment or two
to appreciate the beautiful things we have right in front of us
instead of worshipping and living for the pasta prayer preaches a thousand empty words. to exploit those who hold a piece of your heart
if a prayer preaches a thousand promises
would you still practice what you preach?

pick up the line

2009-03-22T15:18:00.003+08:00

Can you stop playing mind games with me? I'm not sure. you said one and do the other. i hate being a pit stop. i don't mind if you don't wish to talk to me. why cant you just tell me?
what wrong did i do to you now? did i say something wrong? did i provoke you? did i do something to hurt you? i don't know, if i did something wrong. you know you can always confront me. but no, you chose to not talk to me? do you know how i feel? you of all people refuse to talk to me? come on la. i know you're busy and all. but cant you just give me five minutes and hear me out? only five minutes? is it that much to ask form you? i guess it is. i hate this. i let you step all over my head and this is what i get in return from you? you tend to run away from me when i need you. you reject all my calls. you don't answer my messages. are you playing that game with me? so, you're changing. so am i. does that mean that we have to change what we had? i know i sound like a deprived person. but i don't care. you know yourself how much it hurts me. but you just don't care. fine. like i said. two can play one game. I'll play the same game.
just don't come after me and bombarding me with questions because you started it. childish? i know. I'm 16 goddammit!

Have you ever tried drowning yourself.
The water rushing into your lungs.
The pain. The torture.
I feel like a victim of slow drowning.
I am weak.
I am so fucking weak.
I don't think i can fight my way back to the surface.
Somebody please take me away from this place.

This SOMEBODY, have to be myself.
I refuse help.
I refuse any of you to help me.
I have to help myself.
I do not need your help.

jeez

2009-03-18T23:15:00.002+08:00

i wonder why people are so fucking selfish these days? would it kill for you just to contribute to the physically disabled? jeez, never had i felt so fucking rejected and ignored in my life. sigh. if i were to see anyone doing so in the future, I'll be the first to donate.

and lady, don't you know how to take good care of your own daughter? in the first place, why have one? so, you wanna make love? have you ever heard of protection? you can just get it anywhere?

hello semua

2009-03-17T23:28:00.003+08:00

yay! saya sudah habis dengan tugas saya. akhirnya, amin.
esok saya akan berada di amk dari jam dua petang hingga tujuh petang meminta derma dari orang. (omg i suck! )

sigh, i have to pass my Malay and me typing that is so weird. i actually looked up the translator book for the word "derma" cbeebs! i have to talk more Malay. don't be surprised if i blog in Malay. yes, I'll be at amk from two to seven for flag day -.-

imissyouC :(
can't wait for saturday

tomorrow

2009-03-15T14:34:00.003+08:00

we all die someday
why do we have to slave and work for three quarters of our time we have in this life
for money?
wasting the best teenage years of our youth blindly studying and studying day after day
wasting the best years of our adult lives blindly working and working, not knowing what we really want
its in human nature to be greedy
people always want more
life is short
we should all be able to do what we like
and what we want to do, without people telling us
“you wont have a future in this”
so what?
no one has a future in anything because we all die
how many of you have seen upper middle class, middle aged people who are happy?
parents, living in 5 room flat, earing 10,000 a month
how many of them are happy?
12 hours a day at work for 6 days a week
how much time are you actually allowed to live your life
why do we have to constantly have a pressure in our head to please people
how do others know whats best for us if they don’t even know whats best for them?
do we have to live up to the ’standard’ expectations set by the system?
o levels cert, university, job, family, car, credit cards
fuck your business suits and ties, briefcase and mercedes benz
how long can we live
under pressure
how long can we live
on money and status
maybe im just too young to know the value of money
im just too young to know what i want for the future
maybe i haven’t realise that no one can have their cake and eat it too
maybe i haven’t settled down and found it
how many people live up to the saying “money isn’t the most important thing in the world”
love, passion, devotion, everything that you love and everything that you do revolves around money
hate, war, corporate takeovers, everything that kills revolves around money

hundreds of years ago, the human race already crafted their own demise
we all know what we want
we’re just not sure if its right or wrong
don’t ever be put down by words other mouth and whisper to one another
great things are made up of time, devotion and sacrifices
which path will you choose, one day when you’re given the split road?

13, the lucky number

2009-03-14T00:48:00.002+08:00

happy Friday the thirteenth and happy holidays :)
i just realised during my talk with you and hidayah, that I've been crying a lot today.
i won't let anything, not f&n, not you ruining my holidays.

F&N

2009-03-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

yes, it's fucking taking up space in my fucking head.
every fucking food i eat, i think of F&N. everything i fucking talk about, will come down to F&N. " is there enough calcium? oh, shit my 1200 words! "
you can fucking claim that it's fucking easy. do you fucking know just how fucking tormenting it fucking is? just how the fuck it's getting on my fucking nerves? jeez. i fucking stayed up fucking late just to fucking complete it, i fucking delayed my fucking homework just for it. i fucking put it first as it is important and now, the fucking subject has failed me. tell me? just who the fuck would write a fucking 1200 words essay on why you pick that fucking recipe? my back's aching from all the slouching and my eye's watery from staring at the screen for a long period of time . fuck fuck fuck.
i won't do my fucking F&N during my fucking holidays even if i fucking know how fucking important it is. how fucking crucial it is for me to fucking A's it. i won't let it ruin my fucking holidays. I've had it all planed, so please do not, i repeat, please fucking do not fucking ruin my fucking holidays you fucking subject.
MOE should fucking ban the fucking subject. don't they know that the fucking subject ain't doing any good? it ain't helping one bit.
fuck the fucking subject, i don't fucking care. -.-

bummer

2009-03-07T23:44:00.003+08:00

weddings? i hate attending weddings, do you know that?
yeah, you're getting married. you don't really have to invite everyone you know? to hell if they get offended. shit, i hate being voluble over this, but i can't help it. it's your wedding after all. even if you invite everyone you know, did you ever think of the seats? the table? no, i don't think so. having people standing over me when I'm eating. don't you find that irritating? jeez. having someone looking intently at you, giving that " i want to seat and eat, please hurry up " look when you're eating? that's just a major turn off. and there always seem to be lacking of utensils. do you or do you not want me to eat your food?

there is a lot of reason for me to hate attending them. it's under the fucking void deck. of all places the void deck? seriously, you're getting married once and you hold the most memorable event under the void deck. don't you ever ask yourself how many people used the void deck for their marriage? the possibilities are endless.

and the deejay is plain noisy and nosey. your job is to only play the music. not look at everyone and give comments. and the music you play, oh the fucking music you play is just not romantic at all? sigh. and the people singing. i don't know where to start. if you can't sing, please don't. you're only hurting my ear drums. what harm have they done to you?
bottom line, i hate weddings and i have tons of wedding invitation this year. I'm not looking forward to it at all -.-

if, i were to get married, i wont do it under a void deck. anywhere but the stupid void deck. a garden? a hotel? anywhere! there will be enough seats for people and the utensils will be more then enough. there won't be any deejay and untalented people, just soothing music.

could it be?

2009-03-07T01:55:00.005+08:00

look what i found. ha ha Nicholas.

I'm not sure for my plans tomorrow because you just don't bother to console me knowing the state I'm in right now.

how can you be so sure? when it's not? i really don't understand you. you said you did, but now your actions show the wrong things. i cant sleep. i think I'm going nuts thinking of it. sigh. I'm so sorry. i really am. i hate pasting a smile and faking myself infront of you.

you make it so easy and pretend that nothing had taken place. i hate you for making me feel this way. sigh. what next? you're no better then the rest yet you claim that you're diffrent. i hate you. i'll just see what happens next. i'll just be the same old stupid doll, your rebound.

fucck me for being weak. my back aches and my eye's a sore.

almost lover

2009-03-05T22:11:00.005+08:00

i can't take it anymore. i really can't.
I've been staring at the screen for a whole hour and i don't like the fact that my eyes will go all watery when i look away.
I'm done with it. i do not wish to waste my time waiting for something to strike me real hard to realise that what I'm asking for is just too much.
sigh, if only i didn't make that choice. if only i can turn back time.
if only.

have you ever have the feeling, thinking that you have that something but that something is not yours? like borrowing and buying? sigh.
I'm done.
game over, you won.
i hope you're happy.

twist and turn

2009-03-03T23:29:00.003+08:00

ah, hello again. i know you'll be trouble.
i did try to look you up in school, but it seems that the name hopper don't exist in the school's data. so hopper, who are you? I'm sorry if I'm such a burden for four years. wait, i don't even know what i did wrong? hm, seems like you have this love hate thing going on with me. if you really hate me that much, why not just confront me in school? you should know who i am by now. seriously, you could be anyone? whose the minah now, giving me the '' aku nak pecah muke kau uh '' threats. am i suppose to feel scared? should i wet my pants? or should i cut myself? hm. since you're declaring me as a minah, why not i try to sound like one.
eh puki, kau sape sial nak masok blog aku beh spamspam? free sgt pe sial? da tkde keje nak spam org? tak suke blh bilang depan muke pe? kimak, aku tak suroh kau jadi kwn aku pon. aku tak kacau kau, kau takya nk kacau aku uh? fair pe.
seriously, it's weird having to type that out. if you hate me to the extend that you have to tag me by saying that proves that you really hate me. just confront me la? maybe i could try to change? i won't go all nuts and kill you for hating me. okay? if you have issues with me, tell me. we'll find a way to resolve it.

i have to type 1200 word for my coursework. and i have no idea even after asking the teacher tons of times. i think she's irritated with me. why did i even opted for food and nutrition? i fucking could have opted for art, but my fucking unskilled hands do not agree to it. i can't even draw a fucking circle. fuccck! give me a pad and a pencil and I'll give you a finger, biatch.
common test week is almost over, finally i can rest my brain for my SA's, prelims and my N's. ha ha, N's. I'm counting down the days for the one week holidays. flag day, class barbecue. i just wanna get wasted, seriously wasted.

I'm really not sure if I'm babbling. all of my words seem twisted. like '' ABZ '' instead of "ABC " ha ha. I'm sleepy and not sane. my eyes are droopy.
yay, dad's birthday in seven minutes. hm, i think I'm going to wait up.

what can i do in seven minutes?
i can pick my nose.
i can wish my dad a happy 49th birthday. haha, my dad's old.
i can do a doll house, well i can't actually, but i just wanted to say it.
oh, did i tell you that the timer's on? i have five minutes and twenty seconds to end this post.
I'm really sleepy. three minutes and ten seconds.
hm, i miss you, c.
i can babble about f&n.
i really feel like killing the cavemen. i know their dead, but if i could, I'd hunt down their grave and stab their skull. stupid. can't they just bear with raw food?
yay, time's up.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!
goodnight :)

2009-03-01T13:31:00.002+08:00

my hand's itchy.

in 16 years,
i’ve been inspired, i’ve been influenced
i’ve been listened to, and i listened
i laughed with others and now,

i want to inspire, i want to influence
i want to change, not the world, but lives, even the slightest of bits
i want to listen, i want to be heard
i want to laugh, i want you to laugh with me
i know what i live for
you can never stop me as long as they dont exist
i will not be asphyxiated by myself
even if its how its supposed to be

we dont have to prove our lives to anyoneexcept ourselves.
no matter what people say.